Thursday, February 22, 2007

Yub Yub

Okay, thanks to my 5-year old son, I've now watched "Return of the Jedi" several times in the past year, and I've gotten angrier at it each time I've watched. Not for the usual Kevin Smith reasons, which are totally valid, but because the entire first third of the movie is completely ridiculous. Bear with me here.

The first third of the movie is set on Tattooine. All of our heroes have returned to this planet to rescue Han Solo from Jaba the Hutt. Why every important person in the rebellion should be put at risk to save one pilot is debatable, but he's their friend, so whatever. But what exactly is their plan for saving Han? Keep in mind they've had several years to plot this one out.

So when the movie opens, we find R2D2 and C3PO being handed over to Jabba, ostensibly as some kind of peace offering. As we'll find out later, Artoo has Luke's lightsaber hidden inside him. We also discover that Lando is already in place, posing as one of Jabba's guards. So now there are three of our heroes on the inside. Good so far. Then Leia enters in disguise bringing in Chewie, whom she sells to Jabba.

(Side note: What the hell kind of bargaining strategy is Leia pushing? "I want price X." "No, but I'll pay you price Y." "No, you'll pay me price X OR I'LL BLOW US ALL TO HELL!" Would anyone, no less an experienced trader like Jabba, take such a threat seriously? Would anyone sacrifice her life for a few extra bucks? It's not remotely credible. But I digress.}

Okay, so now we have five of our heroes in place, set to spring Han. All we're waiting for is Luke. But then Leia decides to try to thaw out Han and free him in the middle of the night. Huh? If that was the plan, why the elaborate ruse to get all the others inside Jabba's lair? And where was she going from there? Were she and Han going to sneak out and leave the others behind? This is stupid. But then she's caught anyway.

Anyway, now Luke enters the picture. He appears calm and serious, appearing every bit the Jedi knight, except he enters completely unarmed. Then he tells Jabba to release Han. Jabba says no. Apparently, it never occurred to Luke that Jabba might say no. Luke then grabs someone else's laser pistol, but before he can actually aim it at someone, he falls through a trap door.

This was the plan? Get all your friends in one place, one of whom is actually holding your lightsaber, and then just panic and try to grab a gun? And what kind of a Jedi doesn't pick up on the trap door? Why didn't Luke just enter Jabba's lair with his lightsaber and kill everyone in sight, including Jabba? That's what he ended up doing anyway.

This pisses me off. Hopefully, the above song will help.

1 comment:

Kyle Baker said...

As an adult, I was always pissed off at being made to suffer through this "Teddy Bear Wars" installment of Star Wars, but I'd never seen the reasons so succinctly and logically mapped out. I can't believe I ate that stuff up when I was a kid.